A State of Jane
PRAISE FOR A STATE OF JANE BY MEREDITH SCHORR
“By turns heartbreaking and hilarious in its honesty, A State of Jane is Chick Lit at its indisputable best. With a self-assured talent for drawing vivid, relatable characters and a keen ear for witty dialogue, Meredith Schorr once again delivers a richly-layered story that will enthrall and surprise even those readers who believe they've read everything Chick Lit has to offer.”
—Natalie Aaron, Co-Author of Unscripted
“Don't pick up A State of Jane unless you're ready to pull an all-nighter and call in sick to work--this is an addictive, read-it-in-one-sitting kind of novel that you'll want to pass along to all your friends. In her second book, Schorr proves herself as one of the funniest, most skillful writers on the chick lit scene.”
—Diana Spechler, author of Who By Fire and Skinny
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, organizations, places, events, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
Text copyright © 2012 by Meredith Schorr
Originally published by Booktrope
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.
Published by AmazonEncore, Seattle
www.apub.com
Amazon, the Amazon logo, and AmazonEncore are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc., or its affiliates.
eISBN: 9781477878224
Editor: Gabrielle Roman
Cover Designer: Loretta Matson
This title was previously published by Booktrope; this version has been reproduced from Booktrope archive files.
ALSO BY MEREDITH SCHORR
Just Friends with Benefits
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The publication of A State of Jane would not have been possible without the help and support of the following people:
First and foremost, I'd like to thank my family for always believing in me and especially my sister Marjorie for being my first beta reader and giving her honest opinion (even when it wasn't what I wanted to hear). Special thanks to my friends for never tiring of hearing about my publishing journey (or at least doing a convincing job faking interest). Honorable mentions go to Alan who has now read two “chick” books, both written by me; Jenny, my soul sister and sounding board; Ronni, my forever friend and third sister; Abbe, Megan, Shanna, Alissa, Dee and everyone else in my social circle for being awesome and consistently making my world a fun place to live; and Jason, for buying my first book within twelve hours of meeting me, providing constant support and encouragement and proving that not all men are flakes.
I also wish to thank my editor, Gabrielle Roman for appreciating my sense of humor and voice but also finding holes in the manuscript and helping to fill them. Thank you to Diana Spechler for your brilliant book-doctoring; Natalie Aaron for helping with my query letter to Booktrope and commiserating over the stresses of being a writer; and Tess Hardwick for generously agreeing to refer me to Booktrope. Thank you to the entire staff of Booktrope for turning my second novel into my second published novel.
Finally, this book would not be possible without all of you flakes out there. I dedicate this book to you.
CONTENTS
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
CHAPTER 19
CHAPTER 20
CHAPTER 21
CHAPTER 22
CHAPTER 23
CHAPTER 24
CHAPTER 25
CHAPTER 26
CHAPTER 27
CHAPTER 28
CHAPTER 29
CHAPTER 30
CHAPTER 31
CHAPTER 32
CHAPTER 33
CHAPTER 34
CHAPTER 35
CHAPTER 36
CHAPTER 37
CHAPTER 38
CHAPTER 39
CHAPTER 40
CHAPTER 41
CHAPTER 42
CHAPTER 43
CHAPTER 44
CHAPTER 45
CHAPTER 46
CHAPTER 47
CHAPTER 48
CHAPTER 49
CHAPTER 50
CHAPTER 51
CHAPTER 52
CHAPTER 53
CHAPTER 54
CHAPTER 55
EPILOGUE
BONUS EXCERPT FROM BLOGGER GIRL
CHAPTER 1
HOLDING THE PHONE AGAINST MY EAR with my shoulder while I painted my toenails with OPI's That's Hot Pink, I said to my sister, “Wish me a happy anniversary.”
“Happy Anniversary, little sister.” Claire was only seventeen months older than me, practically my Irish twin, but she always insisted on referring to me as her “little sister.” “May I ask what anniversary you're celebrating?”
“My first one. And hopefully my last.”
Claire replied, “Clarify.”
“My first anniversary as a single person. It's been exactly a year since Bob and I broke up and I'm officially ready to fall in love again.” I looked toward my computer screen where my eHarmony profile was twenty-eight percent completed.
Claire snorted. “Says who?”
“I've done extensive research online and my score on several questionnaires clearly indicates that I'm emotionally available for a new relationship.”
A hint of doubt in her voice, Claire questioned, “Cuz it's been exactly a year?”
“Precisely. Three hundred and sixty-five days!” I was not going to let Claire's teasing get to me. I knew by waiting a year, I'd be less likely to waste my time in a rebound relationship.
“Only you would actually think a few days give or take would make a difference,” Claire said, giggling.
“Ha ha, Claire. Laugh all you want. Laugh all the way down the aisle you'll walk down as my matron of honor!”
Still laughing, Claire asked, “So who do you intend to have this new relationship with?”
“Someone amazing! I just have to find him. Could be anywhere – eHarmony, subway, bar, work. In fact, a new set of first-year associates is starting this week!” I bit my lip. “Although if they started law school right after college, they might only be twenty-five.” Not everyone worked as a paralegal first like me.
“And that's a problem because?”
“I'm twenty-six! I'd rather date someone older. Or my age.” Thirty would be perfect since men matured less quickly than women. A four-year age difference might mean we'd be ready to settle down at the same time.
“It's a one year difference, Jane. Keep your options open.”
“They are open!”
“Whatever you say.”
I blew on my toes, willing the polish to dry faster. “I hate when you do that, you know.”
“Do what?” Claire asked innocently.
“Dismiss me.”
Claire sighed loudly. “You're not in high school anymore, Jane, and guys in New York are not gonna fall at your feet.” Laughing, she added, “Except the really short, nerdy ones with balance problems. Just don't expect to meet Dr. Right who looks like Eric Bana. It ain't easy and you've got lots of competition.”
When I met Bob the summer between our sophomore and junior years in high school, we were co-
counselors for the same group of seven-year-old boys. We became good friends but when I told Claire I had a crush on him, she said I'd never have the guts to make a move and should just use his friendship as practice for talking to guys. “As always, thanks for the uplifting pep talk. And it's not as if guys fell at my feet in high school either. Bob was my first boyfriend, remember?”
Softening her voice, Claire said, “Sorry if I sounded mean. You're a definite catch, sis. You're just naïve and I don't want you to be unprepared. You understand, right? Just go in with no expectations, OK?”
“OK,” I said softly. I had hoped Claire would share my excitement, not give me unsolicited advice.
Her voice brighter, Claire said, “So, you do realize that you'll need to actually go on dates, right? Which means no more back-to-back episodes of The Barefoot Contessa and Iron Chef on The Food Network on Saturday nights.”
“It's not like I'm a hermit, Claire. I just wanted to make sure I gave myself enough time to move on after a nine-year relationship.” The fact that I broke up with Bob and not the other way around didn't make the split any less traumatic. Well, probably not that much less traumatic anyway. On a positive note, I'd learned a lot of new recipes over the past year. “Anyway, I'm ready now.”
“I'm sure you are. Just please don't expect things to be as easy as they were when you met Bob. The dating world post-millennium is an entirely different animal and you're dealing with experienced men, not innocent boys. It might not be as easy to meet another Bob. Just ask Pin Cushion.”
Pin Cushion was my sister's nickname for my far from virginal roommate, Lainie, and she was the last person I'd ask for relationship advice. Birth control advice, maybe.
“I'll just be myself and things will happen. Just like they eventually did for you.”
Claire let out a deep exhale. “Eventually is the operative word. And now we can't make a baby to save our lives.”
I remembered when Claire had dyed her dirty blonde hair jet black when she dated a drummer in college and how she gave up meat when she dated a vegetarian. She wound up married to Kevin, another high school teacher from the suburbs who, ten times out of ten, also chose cheeseburgers over tofu and soy milk. They were a perfect match, but baby making had proved to be challenging. “It will happen when it's supposed to, Claire. I truly believe that.” Secretly, I wished it would happen already since I couldn't wait to buy cute baby clothes for my little niece or nephew.
“My advice to you – take your own advice. It will happen when it's supposed to happen. Don't look at every guy as the potential ‘one.’”
“Not every guy, Claire! Just the single, handsome, ambitious, generous, funny ones!” Just then, a message popped up on my computer that my session on eHarmony was going to timeout if I remained idle for another sixty seconds, so after I told Claire I loved her and would cross my fingers that she didn't get her period that month, we hung up and I finished my online profile. I couldn't wait to be matched with someone with whom I was compatible on twenty-nine dimensions!
CHAPTER 2
The next night, I was having drinks at The Brass Monkey with my best friend Marissa and her older sister Katherine. It was an Indian summer and we sat on the rooftop sipping Pear Cider and enjoying a view of the West Side Highway and the Hudson River. There was a chill in the air and I reached behind my chair and grabbed my pink and green Lilly Pullitzer cardigan and wrapped it around my shoulders. Gesturing towards Marissa, I asked, “So, how are things going with that guy Eric?” She had met him on Match.com.
Marissa took a sip of her drink. “I don't know. He's really nice but totally clueless.”
“In what way?” I asked.
Snorting, Katherine said, “Do you have all night?”
I ignored Katherine. She'd been a know-it-all ever since she got married the year before, and I never forgave her for making Marissa wear a beige maid of honor dress. With Marissa's pale complexion, she looked naked. And besides, beige was only flattering on girls who wore a size four or less. Marissa was not one of those girls. Neither am I.
I nodded toward Marissa. “Details please.”
Marissa gave an embarrassed smile. “I guess his first offense was taking me to Smiler's Deli on our first date. It was approaching closing time but we managed to snag some grilled vegetables and stale California rolls before they cleared out the salad bar. Second, and more ridiculous, was telling me on our second date that he was in therapy because his ex-wife left him. Too much information way too soon.” Marissa shook her head as if bewildered by it all.
“Are you communicating with anyone else?” The whole internet dating phenomenon fascinated me since I hadn't been on a date with anyone except Bob since the summer of 1999.
“Yeah, but still at the email stage. Eric already asked me out for a third date.”
“Did you let him down easy?” I asked.
“She said yes!” Katherine said matter-of-factly. “He's nice, not ugly, and he asked. She has to give it another chance! Pickings are slim.”
How would she know? “Do you like him though? You shouldn't force yourself to go out with him if you don't. Remember all that time you wasted on Aidan?”
Aidan was the male version of Marissa. They had the same opinion on everything except the right way to kiss, and after three dates unsuccessfully trying to teach him and two dates of unsuccessfully avoiding mouth-to-mouth contact, Marissa finally cut him loose.
“He's really nice, but I just don't know if I could ever be attracted to him. But I'm trying.”
It pained me to watch Marissa practice this ritual time and time again, believing she could create chemistry if she tried harder. She'd been my best friend since college and I wanted her to meet her soul mate almost as much as I wanted to meet my own. “Why are you trying? You shouldn't have to try to be attracted to someone. You either are or you're not.”
“Or you close your eyes and pretend he's Bradley Cooper,” Katherine said, laughing.
I shook my head in disgust and took a sip of my drink, thankful it was diluted with ice. I wanted to squeeze in an hour of studying for the LSAT before bed. “You can't settle. New York City is full of eligible bachelors. As I motioned to the waitress for our bill, I said, “Onward and upward.”
Looking at me like I was a special needs child, Katherine raised her chin toward the air and said, “Yes. Manhattan is full of eligible bachelors. Eligible bachelors who are looking to get laid, unemployed, not interested, or gay!”
Marissa frowned and nodded her head in agreement. “Jane will see soon enough. She's ready to start dating again!”
“Really? One piece of advice. Try to refrain from telling every guy who hits on you all about how you and Bob ‘lost the spark’ and how important it is to find ‘the spark.’ Ranting about your ex-boyfriend is not the best way to get a new one.”
While Katherine's face distorted into an obnoxious laugh, I glared at Marissa. She mouthed, “Sorry” and quickly looked away.
“I did that once and I wasn't even interested in the guy,” I muttered. And how kind of my big-mouthed best friend to share it with her bigger-mouthed older sister. “Besides, the spark is important!”
Katherine drowned the rest of her cider and placed her empty glass on the table. “Well, best of luck finding the spark, Jane. I can't wait to hear about your dating disasters. Marissa's are getting old.”
Katherine was so cynical I wondered how she ever managed to get married. Then I remembered what her husband looked like and smiled to myself. Placing my hand over Marissa's, I said, “You will meet the right guy someday. Don't waste time on the wrong ones! Remember when I told you that Christopher would say yes if you asked him to the formal senior year?”
Marissa nodded somberly. “Yeah.”
“I was right then and I'm right now!”
“What about you?” Marissa asked. “Have you spoken to anyone yet?”
I handed my credit card to the waitress. “These drinks are on me, ladies. I'm feeling genero
us tonight!”
“Thanks, Jane! What's the occasion?” Katherine asked.
Tucking a strand of dirty blonde hair behind my ears, I said, “Love is in the air. I feel it! I'm gonna check my eHarmony matches as soon as I get home. Maybe the love of my life is waiting in my inbox.”
Katherine looked at me doubtfully. “Your optimism is inspiring.”
Half laughing, Marissa said, “With Jane's luck, the ‘one’ will be the first guy she goes out with and she'll be married before I get past the fifth date with someone.”
“I hope so.” I paused and looked at Marissa. “Not the part about you and the fifth date of course! But just in case eHarmony doesn't pan out I've also joined a group on Meetup for singles in their twenties through thirties, and I'm smiling at every cute boy I pass on the street. I just want to be settled in a committed relationship by the time I start law school next year, when I'll be too busy studying to meet anyone.”
Katherine stood up and flung her bag across her shoulder. “I hate to drink and run but I told Martin I'd be home twenty minutes ago.” Looking at me, she said, “Thanks again for the drink. Best of luck finding ‘the spark.’”
We waved goodbye and I said to Marissa, “Alone at last.”
Marissa frowned.
“Why are you looking at me like that? I didn't mean that as an insult to Katherine. I just haven't spoken to you in a while.” Marissa and Katherine were also less than two years apart in age, but you'd think they were twins from the way Marissa told Katherine everything.
Marissa shook her shoulder length layers of dark brown hair. “This has nothing to do with Katherine. I'm just afraid your expectations with this dating thing are too high. It's not easy.”
“You sound like Claire!”
“Maybe Claire knows what she's talking about!”
I waved my hand in protest. “I appreciate your concern, but I know what I'm doing.” Anxious to change the subject since Marissa's cautious attitude toward dating wasn't exactly confidence inspiring, I said, “How's work by the way? Any samples you can spare?” Marissa worked in the corporate department of a cosmetics company. Along with a twenty-five percent discount off of the wholesale price of products, they were always passing along free samples.